If so, I totally relate. In addition, I avoid most people, including family, b/c they overwhelm me. Manipulating/imploring me to do/see/think the way they do, ad infinum. It's a constant barrage.
> Manipulating/imploring me to do/see/think the way they do
Maybe you are too deceptive yourself? ;)
I think I was pretty manipulative as a kid and this led me to suspect that everybody messing with my emotions is trying to "engineer" me to do something for them.
It drove me insane especially when I utterly couldn't comprehend what they could possibly have out of some particular things. For example, religion totally weirded me out - I just felt like somebody is tricking me and I still haven't even figured out of what :)
Anyway, it gets better once you start to see the reasons why people play with you. Most of the time they have no goals besides self-protection and no real intent to influence you as long as you aren't making them feel uncomfortable in some of their stupid ways you would have never imagine possible.
Very good point. I do realize most(friends & family) want only the best for me. However, none are introverted and nary a one's track record suggests they could cope outside of an intimate relationship for any length of time. We have differing needs and wants. Only recently has my mother has realized I am being genuine when I say, "alone does not necessarily mean lonely". I am generous and trusting to a fault, I empathize deeply and I abbhor asserting my will upon others(and detest others' will forced upon me). Yes, my professional and social life have suffered(sic)for it, according to their standards... which are pretty mainstream. However, I AM happy alone, I am better alone & while I do enjoy contact(and am quite charismatic), it is work for me. I don't 'network', I don't participate in group activities & I avoid crowds... not b/c I'm scared or unable, it is work, and it is not enjoyable. I am solo, I am celibate by choice and I make just enough to not be a burden on others. Just because I could make several factors more income, I could get laid any day of the week(not bragging, I used to... a lot) and I could manipulate those who are drawn to my odd persona, it doesn't mean I should do those things. I ENJOY less in almost every facet of my life, it is how I cope with being overwhelmed or stressed out(both come quite easily for me).
For me, performance arts, music and theater "activated" that emotional sense. At first, I could not process it all, and I raged. Then, being used to it, I find each emotion clear.
But, others often confuse them! Disregard, or anger being classified with hate, for example. I feel their anger or loathing, but they express hate to me, and it's all frustrating and painful at times. I feel most people aren't emotionally honest, or just not that capable. Maybe it overwhelms them, or they just don't seem to look at it very deeply.
I don't know.
Aside from that disconnect, I have learned to manage empathy. It's a strong thing, and it can drain me as much, sometimes more than the person I'm sharing emotion with.
An upside is doing things like mentoring or coaching kid sports. When the good, powerful emotions happen, they happen big, and I can share that, amplify it...
Those times are very rewarding. People can be so damn beautiful and intoxicating, just as they can be painful and draining.
In some ways this makes me very empathic, but it also makes me avoid people expressing strong emotions, so it also makes me very stand-offish.