I would argue that it is not that gay culture that is obsessed with appearance, but that it is male heterosexual culture that is adverse to self-care.
There are many men who do not even consider taking care of themselves for fear that their masculinity will decrease. Many gay men are free from these fears.
From my perspective as someone who has had an insider's perspective of heterosexual male culture, gay male culture, and then female culture (I am a transgender woman), homosexual men do not make more effort in their appearance than most women when they go out.
Going to a gay bar is a often big event of the week or month, some people travel far to go there. It's not the same as going to a dive bar to get drunk. It's a place where you can be at your best and meet people - it's a community hub. The people you meet there are the best on sunday's best. The same way you would wear a suit or at least clean up before a business meeting or recruitment day.
Often, it is an outlet for being yourself, since some people are conscious when they are in public or at work and censor themselves.
As someone else said, "Maybe the reason you're not seeing bald men in these bars is the swimmer effect. i.e. bald men aren't successful there so bald men don't show up."
It would be erroneous to believe that the behaviours observed in such a place are representative of their daily lives.
I agree with you in principle, but this house party really was something else. They didn't just primp themselves up to look good for this event. They all looked like male models, fit, tanned, healthy. You can't look like these guys did without a lot of work. Diet, exercise, I felt like I'd walked onto a Hollywood set. I wish I could have stuck around and mingled, gotten a sense for what in the holy heck I was witnessing, but large masses of people make me super uncomfortable. So I went back down to my apt.
Enter any nightclub and you will find masses of slender, tanned women in great shape, wearing makeup and sexy clothes.
But this house party sounds like survivor bias at play. One fit person invited their best looking friends, who then invited their friends, who then invited theirs. Anyone who does not fit the narrative (straight, gay or other) will feel the same unease you did and leave.
There are many men who do not even consider taking care of themselves for fear that their masculinity will decrease. Many gay men are free from these fears.
From my perspective as someone who has had an insider's perspective of heterosexual male culture, gay male culture, and then female culture (I am a transgender woman), homosexual men do not make more effort in their appearance than most women when they go out.
Going to a gay bar is a often big event of the week or month, some people travel far to go there. It's not the same as going to a dive bar to get drunk. It's a place where you can be at your best and meet people - it's a community hub. The people you meet there are the best on sunday's best. The same way you would wear a suit or at least clean up before a business meeting or recruitment day.
Often, it is an outlet for being yourself, since some people are conscious when they are in public or at work and censor themselves.
As someone else said, "Maybe the reason you're not seeing bald men in these bars is the swimmer effect. i.e. bald men aren't successful there so bald men don't show up."
It would be erroneous to believe that the behaviours observed in such a place are representative of their daily lives.